Charles Tillman announced his retirement on Twitter, and did so in perhaps the best way an athlete ever has. In 13 seasons in the NFL (12 with the Chicago Bears, and last year with the Carolina Panthers), Tillman perfected the "Peanut Punch," where he'd literally punch the ball out of an opponent's hand in order to force a fumble. He ended up with 44 career forced fumbles in his career, to go along with 38 interceptions.
To celebrate the news, Tillman made a video of himself punching every day items out of people's hands. His daughter's donut isn't safe, for example, and neither is the remote control his wife is using to watch TV. It's delightful, and a fitting way for a class act to go out. Thanks for the memories, Peanut.
The NFL Draft was in Chicago this year, a change of pace from its normal New York digs. And Chicago's WGN team, led by sports anchor Pat Tomasulo, had some fun with the local crew, doing their best impersonation of Jets fans. And I must say, this is quite the accurate impression. Well done, WGN.
Week 17. Any fantasy league worth its salt has already wrapped up, and teams all around the league are resting people, so games are usually duds. BUT, since so many teams are pathetically mediocre this year, we got a lot of barn burners in the last week of the regular season. Let's get to the action!
-It's only fitting that the Chicago Bears' Chris Conte messed up on what turned into the game-winning play. After all, he's been doing it all season. Da Bears gave great effort in a 33-28 loss, with Matt Forte scoring three touchdowns (just one score last week woulda been swell for the fantasy team, Matt). Aaron Rodgers looked rusty as all getup but still made the plays when he needed to, and a Packers/Niners rematch in round one should be pretty interesting.
-The Bears and Packers gave us our Stupid Play of the Week as well, courtesy of the entire Bears defense (most notably linebacker James Anderson). Jarrett Boykin scored a really weird touchdown on an Aaron Rodgers fumble because nobody on defense thought to pick up a ball that was just hanging out on the ground, even though I'm fairly certain diving on a loose ball is the second thing any defensive player learns. The first being tackling, of course. Which is something else the Bears don't really do well, so maybe it makes sense. Anyway, the Bears, as you read last paragraph, lost by five, so...not giving up a stupid touchdown would have been nice.
-Entering play today, somehow if the Dolphins, Ravens, Steelers and Chargers all won, the Dolphins would make the playoffs, but if they all lost, the Ravens would instead be the AFC's sixth seed. Those wacky tiebreakers! Fortunately, we didn't have to worry about that, as the Ravens and Dolphins both laid stinkers: the Ravens respectablyish lost 34-17 to a Bengals team that went undefeated at home this year, while the Dolphins, fresh off a 19-0 loss at Buffalo when they controlled their playoff fate, turned in just as putrid a performance in a 20-7 defeat at home to the Jets, who might be the worst team in the history of the NFL and still finished 8-8. Rex Ryan oughta win Coach of the Year. But that still won't stop the Dolphins from winning our Worst Team of the Week for consecutive weeks. Way to go, fellas.
-At the end of the day, the Chargers did everything they possibly could to lose to a Chiefs team playing virtually all second-stringers, but they snuck out a 27-24 overtime victory and will head to Cincinnati for the first round of the playoffs. I fully expect them to lose like 28-17, but they'll be a pesky out.
-The Chargers making the playoffs means the Steelers are out, as well. So Pittsburgh likely won't be docked a draft pick, as was insinuated when Mike Tomlin hopped onto the field "accidentally" to stop a Jacoby Jones return. The fact they were even in the hunt after being 5-8 three weeks ago just goes to show how awful the AFC has been this year.
-The Houston Texans are getting a mention only because they lost their last 14 games of the year. And a graphic from that game reminded me: they were actually shockingly close to going 0-16. In Week 1, they mounted a massive comeback and scored the last 24 points in a 31-28 win against San Diego, then in Week 2 they needed an Arian Foster touchdown and two-point conversion with under two minutes left to force overtime against the Titans before winning 30-24 in the extra frame. They're also getting a mention because their rematch with the Titans was a boring 16-10 loss, boring enough to win our Most Boring Game of the Week. Even Matt Schaub's last second comeback attempt fell flat, with an interception on the first pass from scrimmage. Enjoy that first pick in the draft, Houston.
-Peyton Manning set another record this week, and he did it in just one half of play. Manning went 25 for 28 for 266 yards and four touchdowns as the Broncos demolished the Raiders, 34-14. He finished with 5,477 yards and 55 touchdown passes on the year, both single-season records.
-The Patriots, Colts, Seahawks and Saints all got solid wins to build some momentum heading into the playoffs. Of course, both the Pats and Seahawks have a week off anyway, and the Saints head on the road, where they're shakier than a Broadway show about blind trapeze artists.
-I'm kinda glad Arizona lost, because I'd be sad if they finished 11-5 and missed the playoffs. They were down 17-0 to San Francisco before bouncing back and tying things, but then their defense, which had been so great all year, allowed the Niners to march down the field in about 30 seconds and kick the game-winning field goal. San Francisco has looked rough at times this year, but they're a playoff-tested team that can do some damage, even on the road.
-One day, Dallas won't lose a game in heartbreaking fashion. That day was not today.
Guess what, kiddos? Week 11 is going to be the last thoughts you're getting for a couple of weeks, since I'll be out of the country all of Week 12, and traveling during the Sunday of Week 13. But we'll still try to get something in then. My only prediction for Week 12 is that I'll hate the Jets and either the Lions, Steelers, Chargers, Cowboys or Bengals will lose a game common sense says they should win.
-You know what's more fun than a rain delay? Being in the city as it's happening. Chicago had some crazy weather this afternoon, and was reaching halftime as all the other early games were ending. It was fun watching punts and passes just get tossed around like a rival Pikachu after you use Earthquake. After about five and a half hours, the Bears escaped with a 23-20 win in overtime. Boo-yah!
-The Lions and Steelers combined for 605 total yards in the first half. That's a high for the NFL this season. Calvin Johnson and Antonio Brown each cracked 100 yards and pulled in two scores in the first 30 minutes. Not bad at all. But what IS bad? The Steelers jerseys. They look like bumblebees out there. Also the Lions' second half. Stafford had like two completions and a meager amount of second half yards. 35, to be exact. What a waste. Let's add the Lions to the list of teams that blow games they should win. AND THAT'S WHY THEY'RE BAD AND SHOULD FEEL BAD.
-This is the last time I believe in the Jets again. I made a last second switch to pick New York when I realized the Bills were starting a rusty EJ Manuel and missing their top two receivers. Yet it DIDN'T MATTER because the Jets are terrible. Of course, they're just continuing a pattern of winning a game and then losing one, so I'm sure they'll sneak out an improbable win next week. But for now, they win our Worst Team of the Week and I hate them. The Houston Texans are a close second for worst team. Mainly just because they were at home. Atlanta was #3.
-Actually, we need to delve more into this Texans loss. The defense gave up three touchdown passes to something called Matt McGloin, which is often confused with a groin injury. Also, Case Keenum was benched for Matt Schaub (the irony) and one of their offensive linemen had three false starts. Yikes, they are rough to watch.
-RGIII is realizing points in the NFL aren't nearly as easy to come by as points at Baylor was (and still are. I think they just scored again as I type this). Washington's QB wins our Stupid Play of the Week as he was attempting to lead a comeback from down 24-0. With his team trailing by 8, he backpedaled about 15 yards and then threw up an absolute duck that was easily intercepted by the Eagles' Brandon Boykin.
-Jacksonville's Jason Babin made a tackle against Andre Ellington where he literally ripped out a chunk of Ellington's dreads. Then he held it up like it was a freakin' rabbit he bagged in Oregon Trail. Except he was able to carry all of this back to the wagon.
-The best defense in the NFL? While I love my fantasy stalwart the Panthers, the Bengals may have just staked a claim. Andy Dalton threw for 93 yards and the team scored 41 points, courtesy of two defensive touchdowns. Let's repeat that for effect: The Bengals red-headed monstrosity of a quarterback threw for UNDER ONE HUNDRED YARDS, at an alarming 3.4 yards per attempt, and his team put up a fortyburger and won by 21. Heck, WR Mohamed Sanu threw a 25 yard pass. That's more than a quarter of what Dalton put up in 27 passes. If Cincinnati had any kind of talent at QB, they'd be a SCARY team.
-Our Most Boring Game of the Week was actually pretty hard to find, since even the blowouts were pretty entertaining. Since seeing the Jets get routed is still funny even if I happened to pick them this week (stupid), we'll go with what was touted as America's Game of the Week by Fox: the Packers at the Giants. Outside of a nice pick-six by Jason Pierre-Paul, this game was a lot of snoozing. Remember when both of these squads were good? For Packers fans, Aaron Rodgers can't return fast enough.
-The top running back performance of the day was Tampa Bay's Bobby Rainey. He ran 30 times for 163 yards and two TDs, and also grabbed a four-yard reception for a score, too. Who woulda thunk it?
-Prior to today, the average fantasy performance for a team defense facing the Saints was 1.3 points. In NINE GAMES. The Niners put up a little bit better effort, but still, that's incredible.
-Our RedZone recap is mighty entertaining today. Let's get it.
Ohhhhh baby. Can you tell I'm excited the NFL is finally back? As the fantasy team nurses a small, uncomfortable lead, and I made a few poor picks in the Pick'Em league, please allow me to share my incoherent thoughts with you. Obviously, since these are Sunday thoughts, they don't include Skins/Eagles and Chargers/Texans, and only about half of Giants/Cowboys. But hey, there's plenty of garbage to go around...
-Adrian Peterson had a 78-yard touchdown run on his first touch, but only finished with 93 yards on 18 rushes. That means his next 17 carries netted him just 15 yards. I can't tell if that's a really disappointing day or a really great one, since he had three total TDs. I'ma lean toward the former, though, because his QB is still Christian Ponder.
-There were three separate games that had a safety in the first quarter. For one of those teams (the Jags), that was their only score of the game. The Steelers also got a safety and didn't score again until garbage time. The Jets rounded out the "we scorin' two points" trifecta. Speaking of the Jets...
-They got a HUGE gift win, courtesy of our Stupidest Player of the Week, Tampa Bay's Lavonte David. The linebacker received a personal foul penalty in the final seconds of a game against the AFC New Yorkers, because, well, apparently he doesn't realize that YOU'RE NOT GETTING THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT WHEN YOU TACKLE A RUNNING QUARTERBACK AFTER HE'S ALREADY OUT OF BOUNDS. The boneheaded blunder put the Jets 15 yards closer, which promptly resulted in a Nick Folk 48-yarder for the win. Good job, Lavonte.
-Our Worst Team of the Week Award is shared by four separate teams: The Jaguars, whose QB Blaine Gabbert barely averaged 3.5 yards per pass; the Steelers, who lost to a Titans team that only mustered 287 total yards all day (although Pittsburgh had under 200 yards of offense, so maybe that's why); and the combo of the Seahawks and the Panthers, or the Panhawks, who put on one of the most boring games I've ever seen. Note to self: Stop watching games with Seahawks fans. Or at least have alternate TVs nearby.
-I met a Bears fan today. He was really weird and frightened me a little. I should probably stop wearing my jersey if I go out to watch games.
-This is a couple days old, but MY GOODNESS is Peyton Manning a beast. The Chargers haven't played yet, but Terrelle Pryor and Alex Smith combined for 390 yards. That means as of now, Peyton Manning has thrown for 72 yards more than the rest of the AFC West. And Phil Rivers is bad enough that he might not surpass that.
-If you asked anyone "Which running back will lead the league in rushing for Week 1?" and then also asked "Which wide receiver will lead the league in receiving for Week 1?" I don't think that person would have said "Shane Vereen" and "Anquan Boldin," respectively. And if someone said they would have, you call them a liar. Because that's what they are. A LIAR.
