Saturday, August 20

The Art of the Youtube Comment

As any avid user of YouTube knows, oftentimes the hilarity of a YouTube video will reside in the comments section, rather than the actual video itself. Usually this hilarity is due to the incredible ineptitude of the YouTube users, with their crippling inability to not cause one to lose faith in humanity headlining the charge. In case you'd like to fit in when posting a comment, here are the main types of comments you'll find (note: example comments have been edited for grammar and spelling).

The Direct Quote
This type of comment actually got its start in the early 1980s, when it became chic to borrow phrases from movies. Of course, a well-placed quote can make a conversation better, but oftentimes if we watch a video we don't need to hear what was just uttered. You can liken this to a friend (or, as may be the case, an enemy) that will say a funny line of a TV show or movie moments before the character in said show or movie says the same line. And unless your friend is the actor or actress saying the line on the screen, it's not as funny, and the line is thus ruined. And you HATE that.
Example: "It's so damn hot! Milk was a bad choice!"

The Thumbs Up
In a similarly pathetic vein, this sap will ask for thumbs up by proposing a hypothetical situation. The idea is that if enough people agree with a comment, they'll give it so many thumbs up that it will bump it into the top comments. The only problem is that YouTube doesn't notify you when you get a thumbs up, so unless you're meticulously checking back to see where you're at, it's a wasted endeavor. And checking back makes you infinitely lame, anyway. Oh, and if you DO make it into the top two comments, you don't stay there forever. Thumbs up if you agree this is a stupid, stupid, technique.
Example: "Thumbs up if you have thumbs!"

The Dislike Critiquer
The Dislike Critiquer is so entrenched in his or her beliefs that something is great, that any sort of negativity toward said something is wrong; furthermore the person expressing negativity must have some sort of issue with them. The end result is Person A criticizing every Person B (the total number of dislikes on the video), using some sort of reference to the video as an insult. For example, on Whose Line Is It Anyway?, Colin Mochrie might say something like "There's blood in my stool" during an "Irish Drinking Song" sketch. 14 people may dislike the video. And rather than actually admitting someone could have a differentiating opinion, the person goes to extreme--and uncreative--measures, as in the example below.
Example: "14 people have blood in their stools."

The Faker
The Faker has a one-word vocabulary, and will say it with glee on any video that might have required a bit of doctoring, such as a man throwing a ball 100 yards.
Example: "FAKE!!!"

The Bitter Pill
The Bitter Pill will find something to complain about, regardless of the original topic of the video. Sometimes, it's warranted, such as whining over a quality show being canceled, but oftentimes, it snowballs into lashing out at someone or someones in particular, but for no particular reason.
Example: "They never should have let Charlie Sheen leave Two and a Half Men. You're stupid if you don't like him."

The Obvious Question
Sometimes a person will ask a question so obvious, it really puts humankind to shame. Whether it be a "who sings this song?" when all of the information is in the description, or "Who is Angelina Jolie?" The best response is to just shake your head and move on.
Example: (With "Song: 'You Might Think' by the Cars" in the description, or even worse, the title of the video) "I really like this song!!!11one!! Who sings it????"

The Spam, Bam, Thank You Ma'am
As annoying as ever, the SBTYM has nothing to contribute to the conversation, so they'll instead leave either an ad for some product you don't want, or will do some silly little chain mail thing. The most recent one cropping up is a "I'm going to list 10 'facts,' but skip a few numbers and make assumptions that you're as dumb as I am to see if I can fool you." But they are mistaken, as no one could possibly be as dumb as someone who forwards chain mail.
Example: If you punch yourself in the face 11 times before the stroke of 6:54 p.m. tonight, your crush will reveal themselves tomorrow at school! Copy and paste this and you'll meet your crush!

The Flame Starter
Comparable to the bitter pill, but there's really no rationale behind the negative comment, other than to start an argument unrelated to the video.
Example: (on a "Blues Clues" video) "Every race is inferior to mine!"

The Nostalgia Nut
Most commonly seen on older videos, the Nostalgia Nut will wistfully long for the days of yesteryear. Of course, those days are not coming back, but it's nice to have something to hope for.
Example: "Man, those 90s TV shows like Doug and Rocko's Modern Life were the BEST! Today's stuff is so bad."

The Actual Comment
The rarest of the breeds; the actual comment is so scarcely seen that it remains the stuff of legend. The actual comment will usually be relevant to the topic at hand, and may recount an interesting story, or have a fun fact to contribute. While it should happen more often, sadly, it just doesn't.
Example: Shawn Kemp was the first man to ever gain 63 pounds in a season. I wonder if that ultimately led to the demise of the Seattle Supersonics.

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